Lewis Carroll here I come...
shatterglass
glass shatters as the butterfly steeped in chaos theories beats against my window
with a strumming sound the lyrics of his song scraped against anomalies in my mind
I have no strength
But the child within me reaches to stroke the offers of the wings
which can never be more than wished
like an apteral bird I weep at the sight of the creatures of flight
the urchin within speaks in rapid succession
up is down
black is white
and shades of grey are all I see through
the orbs of the infant betwixt my heart and soul
though the shatterglass is still in pieces when the flutterby
full of a sonnet’s melodies
strokes the edges of my abused window
the lyric song ties everything in place, happily as the bright winged creature
floats on
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey again.
So I like the changes that I'm seeing in your style, mainly that you were learning to limit yourself on the caps within a work. It's okay to have lines starting with capital and undercase letters within the same poem, but without punctuation, it doesn't look good within the same stanza. And of course the stanza that has to be bothering me is stanza 2, where I'm wondering if the publishing center might hold some fault in the formatting of these lines. The wording and imagery seems like you might have had the first line split off from the rest of the stanza. But even if that was the form you were looking for, there still needs to be a period on the end of that line.
You're improving in the word choice and imagery, which are both still heavy but now more appropriate to the situation. i can understand such imagery and level on nonsense being used here, and I hope that when I get to some of your more serious poetry, that most things have been adjusted. The imagery in this one does jump around a bit and I don't care for how quickly it changes topic, but I think I'll let it slide with the subject you were trying to mimic.
Punctuation and line length still seem to be lacking, even though there is some improvement. Long lines are fine, and I do prefer them over three or four word lines, but they don't mix together very well. You can mix them but we're always going to come back to the flow being interupted and whatever issues might exist further with that. And punctuation is also starting to improve, at least with the addition of commas, which didn't exist before. I think you do need to step it up to periods and finalize some thoughts though.
I'll be back soon.
happy revmo.
- lizz
Definitely Lewis Carrol. Except slightly more sane.
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